I had to walk over a high pile of giant grey pumice-like gravel to get to the entrance. Each chunk was a 2 inch radius of quasi-roundness, making each step a guaranteed wobble. Once I made it to the opening without losing my balance completely, I had to duck my head because the overhead was about a foot too low. There were two flights of steep steps, each about an inch too short, encased by the stone walls of the building. This made for a claustrophobic dare-devil climb. Making it to the door front felt like a small victory, and I wanted to do a little dance - but I controlled myself.
After ringing the bell, it was only a moment before I could hear the double locks being undone. It was the young maid who welcomed me inside by opening the tarnished dark wooden door a bit wider and immediately returning to the laundry.
I had just returned from a short errand to buy a cell phone recharge. This was my friend's house, and I had already been a guest for a week. It lacked the amenities of an American house, like a smooth sidewalk in a front yard and a proportionate entrance way, yet it felt like home.
This being an Indian household, I removed my sandals at the door where four other pairs of shoes were already lined up – each belonging to a family member. The first belonged to Didi, Hindi for elder sister, my friend Rajiv's aunt. She was in the kitchen, home on break from her clinic, making roti to eat with lunch. The second belong to Rajiv, my friend, who was in the toilet. The third pair belonged to Mummy, Rajiv's grandmother, who was in the lounge watching a Hindi soap opera, and the fourth belonged to the maid who was sitting on the floor in the shower stall washing clothes by hand.
The flat was not far from the railway station, and from the lounge window I could see the frequent passing of commuter trains. Better yet was the fact that no matter where I stood in the house, the trains could always be heard. I found this to be a strong selling point because the constant rhythmic passing of train cars had an ethereal calming effect.
In the guest bedroom was a door that led to a small balcony, big enough to sit 2 or 3 chairs. This was my favorite place to hang out. Standing on the balcony and looking below me was a line of squatter housing. It was one long row made from scrap wood and tarps where 4 or 5 families must have lived – each in a makeshift room about 4 and 1/2 meters wide. Rajiv enjoyed throwing the rubbish out onto the tops of the houses. He had no respect for them because they dirtied up his neighborhood and ruined his view. And if they made any noise at night the sounds could be heard vividly in the guest room often because the door was left open in the summer. Otherwise it would be too stuffy.
In India, everyone takes a nap together , so it wasn't unusual for Didi or Mummy to invite me to lay down beside them in the afternoons once lunch was over and soap operas were finished. It gets so ridiculously sticky hot in the summer that naps are a must if you want to reserve your energy and keep your sanity...
What do you think of this description of setting? Does it make sense? Can you see it?
So far I think it reads well, however, if you don't mind, I have a few suggestions. In the very beginning of the opening, I thought I was in an archaeological dig-- not approaching an Indian home. Perhaps if you made some small changes to this paragraph:
I had to walk over a high pile of giant grey pumice-like gravel to get to the entrance. Each chunk was a 2 inch radius of quasi-roundness, making each step a guaranteed wobble. Once I made it to the opening without losing my balance completely, I had to duck my head because the overhead was about a foot too low. There were two flights of steep steps, each about an inch too short, encased by the stone walls of the building. This made for a claustrophobic dare-devil climb. Making it to the door front felt like a small victory, and I wanted to do a little dance - but I controlled myself.
You could possibly eliminate this feeling. Perhaps talk about what the walls look like, what color are they, what does the entrance to the home smell like? Can you smell the roti the aunt is making? Make it appear more domestic, even in the struggle that the narrator is having to get to the stairs.
Beyond that, I'd suggest sticking to 1 unit of measure. In the first paragrah you use inches, later you use meters, use either metric or American measurements. I'd use meters since you are talking about India and it was once occupied by Great Britian.
Other than those minor things, I think it reads really well. If you want someone to read more of it, I'd be more than happy to. Indian culture fascinates me. Good luck!
Reply:I can see it, but its a little too much detail, and thus not a relaxing reading.
Reply:Wow! That's...very descriptive! But I must point out it's WAY TOO descriptive. In a writing forum I signed up for, a writer pointed out to me u don't need to describe everything unless that something was significant in the story. And we definitely don't need to know the measurements. Tone it down a little and try to shorten ur sentences. Short, sweet, and straight to the point seems to keep the reader going. (But don't forget u must be descriptive in some parts.) The three S's I call them!
I can tell u did a lot of research for ur story to know so much about India (unless of course ur Indian urself) and that's great! I love the way u described the Indian culture!
In the 4th paragraph, how would the speaker know where everyone is? (Especially since her friend is the RR?) If it's from the speaker's POV, u should only say things the speaker can see, and I highly doubt the speaker can see her friend going to the bathroom. ;)
Also, what kind of crowd are u aiming for? If this is for YA, I think ur too advanced. What is a quasi? No offense, I love this piece, but teen readers tend to turn off at big words they don't know unless they're persistant readers or the story excites them in a way. Work on using good words a YA should know, but don't go too advanced where u loose them.
Again, I really like this. Good work! I hope I helped u out a little bit. Good Luck with ur story!
Reply:I'll answer backwards, if I may. 1. I see it. 2. It makes cerebral sense. 3. It doesn't make sensory sense, that is (a) you are telling me about it, rather than showing it to me, (b) it is decorative rather than rooted in the story--explaining why people think it's too much description, and (3) it doesn't flow.
First see, smell, hear, touch and taste the place, yourself. Then ask yourself, if you were in a particular situation, that is, if you were going to see a friend or an enemy, if you were going to see if a corpse were there, or were going to a party and on, which of these senses would stand out to you? That way what you describe would be pertinent to your story, not random or decorative, and your descriptions would be actually told as you sense them, not as you desire to tell them to someone.
The way you're "setting" the setting seems to have nothing to do with what it is you're trying to say with your story or your characters. If we sensed that behind your description was a need to make us feel what the character is feeling, then it would flow, and it would have meaning. We'd want more and more of it, but instead the readers want less, because it has the ring of a real estate broker "describing" a place, rather than an artist or a character in real life "experiencing" it with the anticipation of what is going to happen there or what has happened there or why she's going there. In other words, the inner life of your story and your character must be hidden in what you choose to show--again, that is show, not tell.
You might consider studying metaphors and similes; they make the descriptions very personally yours, more beautiful, original and captivating, and they allow you to create a setting that has unique meaning and the mystery that is in only you, as it is only in each of us. Anyone can say, "It lacked the amenities of a big house, yet it felt like home." It's a good sentence. But it's a great example of telling rather than showing by feeling through metaphors. What does home feel like to you? What amenities does this place lack?
"It smelled as if the kitchen hadn't been cleaned in months; curry seemed to be growing in the chinks of the walls, walls which hadn't been painted, which cracked and peeled as if hands had been clawing at them for generations, yet I could hear my mother's chocolate-custard voice even through the whining of the broken fan. I could see her lullabye-smile at my having arrived here, and as I rubbed the belly of one of the nine or ten cats which were mulling about, the softness of my bed arrived of a sudden and surrounded my legs and back. It was time to rest. 'All places are home in these weary and vulnerable moments,' my tired eyes seemed to be telling me." (Something like that!)
insurance registration
Sunday, March 14, 2010
To what does the title "First Lesson" refer to?
First Lesson by Phyllis McGinley
The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men.
A girl has to keep it in mind.
They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues.
Scratch any father, you find
Someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors,
Believing change is a threat--
Like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle
It took such months to get.
Walk in strange woods, they warn you about the snakes there.
Climb, and they fear you'll fall.
Books, angular boys, or swimming in deep water--
Fathers mistrust them all.
Men are the worriers. It is difficult for them
To learn what they must learn:
How you have a journey to take and very likely,
For a while, will not return.
To what does the title "First Lesson" refer to?
McGinley’s "First Lesson" is about the daughter’s views to her father’s attitudes of overprotective. By first lesson she means its the first lesson she learnt at any early stage of life, aslo because he was one of her first models to follow
She thinks her father is worry too much. She uses simile to convey this kind of thinking, she says, "Believing changes is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first Bicycle". In the whole poem, she uses rhythm scene of "ABCB" to convey her attitude of understanding toward her father. She knows the fathers are the worriers because of their children. They concern and care about their children.
car makes
The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men.
A girl has to keep it in mind.
They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues.
Scratch any father, you find
Someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors,
Believing change is a threat--
Like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle
It took such months to get.
Walk in strange woods, they warn you about the snakes there.
Climb, and they fear you'll fall.
Books, angular boys, or swimming in deep water--
Fathers mistrust them all.
Men are the worriers. It is difficult for them
To learn what they must learn:
How you have a journey to take and very likely,
For a while, will not return.
To what does the title "First Lesson" refer to?
McGinley’s "First Lesson" is about the daughter’s views to her father’s attitudes of overprotective. By first lesson she means its the first lesson she learnt at any early stage of life, aslo because he was one of her first models to follow
She thinks her father is worry too much. She uses simile to convey this kind of thinking, she says, "Believing changes is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first Bicycle". In the whole poem, she uses rhythm scene of "ABCB" to convey her attitude of understanding toward her father. She knows the fathers are the worriers because of their children. They concern and care about their children.
car makes
Good camp prank ideas please???
so i go to karate camp every year. yes, i said karate camp it is amazing. it is SO fun. my cabin always has the best pranks. one year we stole one cabin's pillows and shoes. another year we stole a cabin's karate belts, hid them, then put them on the stairs and they had to climb up and down on the spiky stairs in front of everybody. then we changed all the guy's shoelaces with pink and purple friend's laces, and covered them with sparkles. this year, i'm kind of stuck for a prannk idea, so if you could help that ouwld be great! thank you =D oh it is a guys AND girls camp, i would be prankin the guys
Good camp prank ideas please???
scare the $h!t out of them!!
go outside their cabin and make creepy noices and freak them out. if they go outside to look, jump out of the bushes and make them scream!! make sure to be quick, cuz they cud report u anyway!
you can do this to everybody, girls AND guys, girls would be easier tho!
Reply:I'd dye all of the Karate uniforms pink and write "I'm a good girl" or something really gay like that on the back of the uniforms in deep purple. But nothing permanent though, that'd just be plain evil, like women when they're mad lol. Hey, thumbs up if you think this is a good prank.
Reply:Go to a store with a large garden center. Get a few containers of lady bugs (they sell them as a natural way to get rid of aphids, especially on roses). Near nightime, open up the containers and pour them out under the beds. It might take awhile for them all to start flying around.
Reply:YOU WILL NEED: couches (one for as many doors as there are on the victims cabin)
while the victims are sleeping, place one couch in front of each door to the cabin. if the door opens to the inside, at least the couch will gain the awe factor and is hard to move. if it opens outside....even better
Reply:uh......put shaving cream in their shoes? or if they have to get up by a certain time, and have an alarm clock, u could set it for like 3 am or something like that to make them get up early.
Reply:If they are sleeping on an air mattress put it on a lake while they are sleeping so they can float on water =D
i saw it on youtube it was hilarious!
Reply:steal ALL of their clothes and another idea is tie them to their beds with the belts
Reply:pee in the drinking water
BIRD
Good camp prank ideas please???
scare the $h!t out of them!!
go outside their cabin and make creepy noices and freak them out. if they go outside to look, jump out of the bushes and make them scream!! make sure to be quick, cuz they cud report u anyway!
you can do this to everybody, girls AND guys, girls would be easier tho!
Reply:I'd dye all of the Karate uniforms pink and write "I'm a good girl" or something really gay like that on the back of the uniforms in deep purple. But nothing permanent though, that'd just be plain evil, like women when they're mad lol. Hey, thumbs up if you think this is a good prank.
Reply:Go to a store with a large garden center. Get a few containers of lady bugs (they sell them as a natural way to get rid of aphids, especially on roses). Near nightime, open up the containers and pour them out under the beds. It might take awhile for them all to start flying around.
Reply:YOU WILL NEED: couches (one for as many doors as there are on the victims cabin)
while the victims are sleeping, place one couch in front of each door to the cabin. if the door opens to the inside, at least the couch will gain the awe factor and is hard to move. if it opens outside....even better
Reply:uh......put shaving cream in their shoes? or if they have to get up by a certain time, and have an alarm clock, u could set it for like 3 am or something like that to make them get up early.
Reply:If they are sleeping on an air mattress put it on a lake while they are sleeping so they can float on water =D
i saw it on youtube it was hilarious!
Reply:steal ALL of their clothes and another idea is tie them to their beds with the belts
Reply:pee in the drinking water
BIRD
Any good camp pranks????????????????/?
so i go to karate camp every year. it is SO fun. my cabin always has the best pranks. one year we stole one cabin's pillows and shoes. another year we stole a cabin's karate belts, hid them, then put them on the stairs and they had to climb up and down on the spiky stairs in front of everybody. then we changed all the guy's shoelaces with pink and purple friend's laces, and covered them with sparkles. this year, i'm kind of stuck for a prannk idea, so if you could help that ouwld be great! thank you =D
Any good camp pranks????????????????/?
Prank #1
You will need:
1 drinking cup full of water.
1 funnel
1 coin
1 victim
Have the water near by (but not in plain sight) as you ask your friend to place the funnel into the band of his/her pants. Then ask your friend to balance the coin on his/her nose (acting like you're going to have them drop it into the funnel). While their head is tilted back, dump the water into the funnel.
Prank #2
You will need:
1 egg
A door
Ask your friend to reach through the inner part of the door at the hinges (above the second hinge) and have them hold the egg between their forefinger %26amp; thumb. Once they have the egg, walk away. They won't be able to move (unless they drop the egg %26amp; break it).
Reply:hoist clothes up on a flagpole (if available).. no one thinks to look up.
move kids' suitcases/trunks into other cabins
pile suitcases/trunks around someone sleeping so that they're "boxed in" when they wake up
put glitter on someone sleeping (its really hard to get all of it off)
put suitcases/trunks on the roof of a cabin
be creative. just dont do anything destructive/dangerous.
Reply:Well. . . .. if your camp has a pool take a few of the other cabin's clothes, put them in a garbage bag and put some weights in it. Sink them to the bottom in the deepest part.
Saw that one done before was quite entertaining.
PS: There is always the good ol' vaseline on the toilet seat trick.
Reply:i got a good one ... you could pee on every1s pillows early in the day so that it has time to dry or you could catch the other cabins on fire and as the ppl are running out you could thro water balloons at them and hav a giggle
Reply:Turn off the water heater in their cabin - cold showers.
Short sheet their beds.
Put rubber snakes in their beds.
Steal their light bulbs.
Put some Limburger cheese in their cabin.
Thanks for the question. That brings back some memories.
Reply:Well, not that i have ever played any pranks ^^
but if you could get all of their shoes together tie them together by the laces and 'decorate' the camp with a string of smelly shoes.
Reply:heres what u need
Prank #1
-Oreos
-Toothpaste
Fill the white parts of the oreo with toothpaste!
Prank #2
-Mug
-Coffee grinds
Give them some "hot chocolate" exept it's coffee! DO NOT PUT IT IN THE COFFEE MACHINE!! give them the grinds of the coffee!
Prank #3
-Sillystring
-Toilet paper
Raid their cabin!
Reply:This one must be done at the end of camp, preferably after many other pranks. Switch all their dirty underwear with all their still clean underwear. Socks too. It won't be a laugh out in public until someone starts itching in certain places.
Reply:Haha sounds like a lot of fun I think that you should put hawian punch on the croch of every guys' uniform sense it is white and it will look like they had their period! LOL sorry I think of weird things!
Reply:water balloons
shaving cream fights
Reply:lol pee on everyones clothes
Reply:**** in sum1s bed
Reply:crap all over the bathroom but not in the toilet.... holy **** that would suck for them
Reply:steal all of their clothes???
credit report
Any good camp pranks????????????????/?
Prank #1
You will need:
1 drinking cup full of water.
1 funnel
1 coin
1 victim
Have the water near by (but not in plain sight) as you ask your friend to place the funnel into the band of his/her pants. Then ask your friend to balance the coin on his/her nose (acting like you're going to have them drop it into the funnel). While their head is tilted back, dump the water into the funnel.
Prank #2
You will need:
1 egg
A door
Ask your friend to reach through the inner part of the door at the hinges (above the second hinge) and have them hold the egg between their forefinger %26amp; thumb. Once they have the egg, walk away. They won't be able to move (unless they drop the egg %26amp; break it).
Reply:hoist clothes up on a flagpole (if available).. no one thinks to look up.
move kids' suitcases/trunks into other cabins
pile suitcases/trunks around someone sleeping so that they're "boxed in" when they wake up
put glitter on someone sleeping (its really hard to get all of it off)
put suitcases/trunks on the roof of a cabin
be creative. just dont do anything destructive/dangerous.
Reply:Well. . . .. if your camp has a pool take a few of the other cabin's clothes, put them in a garbage bag and put some weights in it. Sink them to the bottom in the deepest part.
Saw that one done before was quite entertaining.
PS: There is always the good ol' vaseline on the toilet seat trick.
Reply:i got a good one ... you could pee on every1s pillows early in the day so that it has time to dry or you could catch the other cabins on fire and as the ppl are running out you could thro water balloons at them and hav a giggle
Reply:Turn off the water heater in their cabin - cold showers.
Short sheet their beds.
Put rubber snakes in their beds.
Steal their light bulbs.
Put some Limburger cheese in their cabin.
Thanks for the question. That brings back some memories.
Reply:Well, not that i have ever played any pranks ^^
but if you could get all of their shoes together tie them together by the laces and 'decorate' the camp with a string of smelly shoes.
Reply:heres what u need
Prank #1
-Oreos
-Toothpaste
Fill the white parts of the oreo with toothpaste!
Prank #2
-Mug
-Coffee grinds
Give them some "hot chocolate" exept it's coffee! DO NOT PUT IT IN THE COFFEE MACHINE!! give them the grinds of the coffee!
Prank #3
-Sillystring
-Toilet paper
Raid their cabin!
Reply:This one must be done at the end of camp, preferably after many other pranks. Switch all their dirty underwear with all their still clean underwear. Socks too. It won't be a laugh out in public until someone starts itching in certain places.
Reply:Haha sounds like a lot of fun I think that you should put hawian punch on the croch of every guys' uniform sense it is white and it will look like they had their period! LOL sorry I think of weird things!
Reply:water balloons
shaving cream fights
Reply:lol pee on everyones clothes
Reply:**** in sum1s bed
Reply:crap all over the bathroom but not in the toilet.... holy **** that would suck for them
Reply:steal all of their clothes???
credit report
To kill a mockingbird?
atticus is always saying for scout to "climb into his skin and walk around in it" in order to understand a person. why doesn't he say " walk a mile in his shoes?" why does he say "walk around in their skin" which is a more common saying?
To kill a mockingbird?
It is a matter of skin color. When this book was written, civil rights and Jim Crow laws we're still major social issues. To "Walk in ones skin" is more appropriate in this situation, because racism is the theme of the book, and by saying "a walk in their skin", Harper Lee makes clear the theme of the book
Reply:I read this book but at the beginning of the school year and I really don't remember the meaning of it but maybe he said "into his skin" so to emphasize the fact of the difference in skin color. Black and white ya know?
Hope it helps
Reply:walk a mile in his shoes is now a common saying but maybe when to kill a mockingbird was written it wasn't so common or maybe never heard of so he just may something up
Reply:no idea, but i think it's his custom, or his personality tells him to be different. he might relate better to walking in skin than in shoes.
hope this helps
Reply:hey !!
atticus says that to explain it more clearly to a child !! remeber scout is not a fully grown adult ........thought he never treated her liek a hcild he explained to her in a way she would understnd !!
all the best
tc
Reply:Because that is the line Harper Lee had him say, keep in mind that this book was written more than 40 years ago and the story takes place 70 years ago in the rural south, they may have used different sayings there and then.
CAT
To kill a mockingbird?
It is a matter of skin color. When this book was written, civil rights and Jim Crow laws we're still major social issues. To "Walk in ones skin" is more appropriate in this situation, because racism is the theme of the book, and by saying "a walk in their skin", Harper Lee makes clear the theme of the book
Reply:I read this book but at the beginning of the school year and I really don't remember the meaning of it but maybe he said "into his skin" so to emphasize the fact of the difference in skin color. Black and white ya know?
Hope it helps
Reply:walk a mile in his shoes is now a common saying but maybe when to kill a mockingbird was written it wasn't so common or maybe never heard of so he just may something up
Reply:no idea, but i think it's his custom, or his personality tells him to be different. he might relate better to walking in skin than in shoes.
hope this helps
Reply:hey !!
atticus says that to explain it more clearly to a child !! remeber scout is not a fully grown adult ........thought he never treated her liek a hcild he explained to her in a way she would understnd !!
all the best
tc
Reply:Because that is the line Harper Lee had him say, keep in mind that this book was written more than 40 years ago and the story takes place 70 years ago in the rural south, they may have used different sayings there and then.
CAT
Work in Progress, Needs Advice?
Please could you read through my story, I understand if you don't have time, I'd just like advice, it's an opening chapter, and definately not the final draft, the ending is somewhat rushed, but it gives the gist of it, but could do with a bit more describing and coversation with the wife.
Spelling is unimportant, I have spell checked once about half way through, and I'm bound to have missed things or used wrong tenses, sorry I will fix these, I just wanted to get the words down.
I understand also the whole, Mr. landon, Mr. brown can get boring, this will be worked on, first names will be brought in to make reading and typing easier.
It's just a bit of fun, nothing serious, something I've worked on for a few months, adding to whenever I get the chance around college.
Also the the words when copied in from notebook, got a put out of alignment sorry about this.
Thanks for any advice in advance!
----------
'Thud'...........'Thud'...........'Thu...
"Every time I walked several metres down the street, a loud thud echoed from behind me and
rang through my ears. I calmly carried on, attempting to not pay attention to the noise.
However the only other noise around was the sound of my steps which when compared to the
noise following me was like listening for a pin drop on a missile test zone. The noise filled
my head like an explosion in a cave, screaming for several moments after entry, bouncing of
the sides of my skull, until finally flooding out to carry on down the street. The noise
was unbearable, it brought me back to my days at University, trying to revise when everyone
else wanted to party. I became an expert at finding quiet places, unlucky for me that skill
was of no use to me in this situation. I quickened my pace so I didn't spend more than a
couple of seconds out of the light from the street lamps, which where the only thing
allowing me to continue, otherwise I would be in complete darkness. Although the noise was
unnerving, it wasn't close yet, which meant I had time to examine my surroundings. Probably
not the best thing to do, maybe I should have been running away, or even confronting it. I
mean, come on I'm thirty two and running away from a noise, it could have been a bunch of
kids playing a trick on me."
"My eyes swayed from left to right in a similar fashion to a pendulum, I was sure I could
have hypnotised someone with them had I met anyone. Walking down the street I found my self
drawn to glancing in through the windows of what I thought where shops, houses and
restaurants, but the only thing that gave me that impression was the fact it said it above
the windows and doors, not from looking through the windows, as I couldn't see anything
through them. The windows where painted black from the inside. After trying to find any gap
in the paint in the second chemist on the street, I decided I'd have a better chance on the
other side of the road. Pushing my self away from the building, I quickly spun around and
shot off for the other buildings. Before I knew it I'd lost my footing and got tangled up in
bin bags, then I was lying face flat against the concrete. Had I been alone I would have
sympathised with my self and laughed it off, But as I said 'had I been alone'. Now don't
forget this noise was still following me, it's not like I'd forgotten and was checking out
the shops for offers, or the restaurants so I could find a cheap meal deal for my upcoming
anniversary."
"Oh wait scrap that from your report, just encase my wife finds out I've said it, you'll
think she won't but she knows everything about me, even stuff I wouldn't dream of telling
her."
A tall man was sat in a small room, he had shoulder length brown scraggy hair, his eyes a
deep shade of brown looked like they were trying to escape from the sockets. His general
look wasn't that appealing. Opposite him was another man, dressed entirely in black from his
Sunglasses, to his suit down to his shoes. He sat holding a small burgundy notebook and
frantically wrote things down, hoping not to miss a word a Dictaphone lay on the table
as well.
"You Know what I bet somehow she knew about this, don't ask me how, it's just a feeling."
"Mr Landon, I couldn't care less if your wife knew the secrets of eternal youth, or the
meaning of life at the moment, I'm sat here listening to some loon, describe a dream he had,
about the time he walked down a never ending road, being followed by a noise which I heard
you described as being louder than thousands of foghorns going off altogether, in your last
interview." Mr. Brown proclaimed.
Mr Landon stood hoping to intimidate Mr. Brown by standing over him, unluckily Mr Landon
was a short stubby man, and rather than scare him, he seemed to strike his funny bone.
"Alan, If I may use your first name"
"Yes you may" Mr Landon spat back at him.
"I don't mean to insult you, however I have a deadline and I'd like you to get to the point
of your tale before we both die of old age. I mean have you actually read all your
interviews you've done. Take for example The one you did for the local paper, it was ten
pages of utter nonsense, you take anyone's comments on your story as an insult, and the
papers turn it round on you and make you look like some escaped mental patient. I suggest
after our meeting you just give people the basic facts, people aren't interested in your
story and won't sit there reading ten pages."
"Hey"
Mr Landon carried on the conversation as though Mr. Browns speech hadn't even occurred.
"What right have you got to come into my house and say it was a dream or even query me."
"I'm going to be frank with you Mr Landon, if it was true I doubt you'd be able to answer
any of my questions, because unfortunately I don't know sign language, and a noise that loud
surely would have deafened you"
At this point Mr. Brown slammed his cup of tea onto the table smashing his saucer, the tea
splashed out and landed on his wrist. Though the tea was fresh and still boiling hot he did
not flinch at all.
"I've had enough of this Alan, your just another one of those people that think they can get
money from making up these stupid stories about alien attacks. You do know there's been
around 800 in the past month, the past month, for christ sake, all have been found out to be
fake, the police, prime minster, general Gundore have all said so. So why should yours be
different, You'll be found out soon enough... I'm sure of it"
"You haven't even heard all of what happened maybe I could change your mind, now sit back
down and allow me to continue. Mr. Brown slunk back into his seat and although he'd rather
not listen, out of courtesy he did.
"Like I said The reason I was looking through the windows of the buildings was because They
where my only way out"
Mr. Brown, looked confused. His eyebrows raised and his mouth opened but before he could
ask a question, Mr Landon had carried on.
"The road looked like it went on for miles. If I carried on walking I'd end up well past my
house and probably up in Scotland by time I got to the end. If there was one."
"The entire street looked as though it had been deserted many years ago. Rubbish lined the
streets waiting for the bin men to come round in the morning, although it did look like they
had never been and rubbish piles just ended up getting bigger and bigger. The street carried
on for what felt like forever, I came across no other street leading off it, no alleyway,
all the houses and shops where packed so close together, the only thing I could do was carry
on going forward or turn round to face the noise."
"Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks, up ahead was a body lying in the light of one
of the street lights. I ran towards it hoping the person was okay, well actually I was
hoping they'd know away off the street. From a distance they looked injured all curled up as
though protecting them self. I had to make sure they was OK. As I charged towards the body the
noise from behind quickened, as though it knew I had began to run and wasn't risking me
getting away. I stopped next to the person and bent down to examine him. I then realised the
noise had stopped and I could finally concentrate on him, rather than worry what had
happened to it."
"The man looked as though he was barely into his mid twenty's, I brushed my hand across the
side of his face to see if it would wake him, it felt like I was touching sandpaper, had he
ever heard of a razor, you know get the hairs you'd miss with an electric shaver as it just
can't get as close. He wouldn't have stubble then. Actually now I think of it maybe it was
just part of some fashion trend, he could have been trying to look older as he did have a
sort of babyish face. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to look older though I'd
prefer looking younger."
"Once again Mr Landon you are going off topic, I don't need to know any fashion tips,
especially from you, you of all people really don't have any right to judge based on looks
and come up with someone's life story just from there appearance, unless you know the man's
reason for stubble I couldn't care less."
"Now as you can see, I seem to have an empty cup, could you get that wife of yours to fetch
another in."
"Pass it here, I'll get you a refill, rather than disturb her."
"NO! Sorry, it's, just I noticed a bit of dirt on the cup, a new one will do fine."
"Suit your self, I'll be back in a moment."
Mr Landon stood up and made his way to the kitchen. Mr. Brown then sat back slouched on the
sofa, staring into the corner of the room, he nodded once and clamped his teeth together,
he repeated this action for the other three corners of the room, and then sat back upright.
Mr Landon then came back into the room carrying a tray with a fresh cup of tea on, oblivious
to the peculiar activity which had just occurred.
"Now I'll carry on, just drink your tea, slow, were getting to the good part."
"Instantly the man lying on the floor huddled up grabbed out at my hand and jerked up
right, his dark brown eyes fixated on my own. It was like looking into a mirror, they where
so clear, I saw myself. I looked confused, my hair was all over the place. As I ran towards
the man my hair must have been blown out of place by the wind. I looked confused and I was,
I mean it's not everyday I helped a strange person lying injured in the street, being
followed by a strange noise on a road that seems to never end."
Mr Landon stopped started into his cup of tea as though hoping it would reveal what happened
next to him.
"I remember thinking, have I gone crazy, was it something I ate or is all this just in my
head, maybe it's a dream. I could have fallen over and knocked my head on something and be
lying in some hospital bed, but I wasn't. "
There was a few moments of silence, still staring at his tea, it was as though Mr Landon had
a brainwave and remembered every little detail that happened, and once again he carried on.
"My arm started to burn where the man was holding me, a strange sensation like something was
coming out from the man's hand and was trying to push me away, even though he was the one
holding me."
"Get Down!" He shouted.
"What do you mean get down." I replied.
"Just get out of the way." The man said with a hint of anger in his voice.
"Hey I'm only helping you don't worry I'm not going to hurt you."
"Yeah well in a minute you'll be getting hurt by something if you don't move."
"Is that a thre-
"At that moment his other arm slammed into my side, I was sent to the floor and grazed my
arm along the concrete. The man looked angry with me, his eyes shot from me and the darkness
several times. I had no idea what his problem was but I thought it best I got away. I
dragged my self along the street,trying not to draw attention to myself, slowly I got up and
with out glancing back I carried on as I would have, if the man hadn't been there."
"I was stopped in my track as a screeching pierced through my head, I dropped back to my
knees, covering my ears, shaking, I tried to gather my strength and turn around. The noise
had stopped, everything was silent, until,"
'Thud'....'Thud'....'Thud'
"The pace of the noise had quickened, I had no idea why, I glanced back at the man to see he
was still there staring down the street. Further in front of him, the street lights began to
go off. The night was far from over and the sun was hours away from rising. Either there was
something wrong with the lights or it was the noise destroying them."
"Now I know the 'noise' wasn't destroying, at the time I didn't know what the noise was, so
I referred to the noise as though it was a living thing. I shouted for the man to run, but
he paid no attention so I made my way for him. Up ahead the lights where going out faster
and faster. It was a race for the man I had helped moments before. I arrived first and
attempted to drag him away he wouldn't budge like he was stuck on the spot. There was one
street light left until the noise would be on us. The ground was shaking and the thud had
been joined by a gentle groaning that felt rather pleasant compared to all the other noises
I'd heard that night."
"From out of the shadows a large figure strode out and stopped in the light in all it's
glory. It was a giant muscular figure with hands and feet at least four times bigger than my
own. It's skin was almost flurecant in the light, it had a thin layer of fur growing on it's
arms, legs and all over it's back. It had a greeny brown tinge to it's skin accompanied by a
pale yellow chest. It's claws where like curved blades able to slice through metal. It's
face was still clouded in darkness as it was taller than the lamppost."
"The man gazed at it in disgust like it was the most vile thing he'd ever seen but, I felt
as though there was something else another reason why he looked at it the way he did. He
raised his hand so it was pointed at the creatures face, and let out an almighty scream."
"Light shot from his hand and struck the monster square in the face pushing it back with
immense strength. It struggled to push it self back and force itself forward. With a flick
of the hand to the left the creature was sent into the front of a building, causing bricks
and glass to fall to the floor around the creature. I gasped at what I just saw, one man
just threw a creature into a building and not flinch at all. It must have been a regular
occurrence to the man as he'd already began to stroll towards the creature by time I got
myself back to normal. He pulled out a small dagger from his right pocket and took it out of
it's protective sleeve. He raised it high above the creature but stopped dead in his tracks,
as a second screech bellowed from above the building."
"I looked up to see what it was, but I already knew what to expect based on what I just saw.
I always tell myself to not think that everything will happen the way I expect it too.
Expect the unexpected. Unfortunately at times like this you don't have time to think about
anything and that's why I ended up getting thrown through a shop window. As I lay there
watching this giant, muscular creature casually walk over to where I lay, I could do
nothing. I couldn't move my arms or legs, Fear had me pinned down, because this was the
first time I had seen it's face. The creature lowered it's head from out of the darkness and
it's grotesque form took shape in front of me. Eyes the size of a clenched fist targeted
on me from behind scraggy hair that flopped in front of the creatures face, and being blown
about by the gust of air shooting out of it's nostrils. Fangs curved out of it's mouth like
tusks, but where as sharp as knifes, except the left one which had broken off half way down.
It's mouth opened and closed as though it was simulating eating me."
"As it craned it's neck through the window, it's breath awakened my senses and I found
myself able to move again, but before I could run, the creatures hand was already around my
waist and pulling me from the debris of the smashed up window. Back in the street, suspended
upside-down five metres from the ground I took my chance to look around for the stranger I'd
helped and in turn had saved my own life, but he was no where to be seen, the only thing I
could make out in the distance was the other creature still knocked out at the side of road.
Was this the end for me, or will my luck change. With in a split second that question was
answered."
"From out of the darkness a flash of red slammed into the side of the creature sending it
sliding down the street. As I stared closer at the flash of red, my eyes widened in surprise
as just down the street was a red double decker bus. The creature was now stumbling back up,
it looked at the bus with complete confusion, obviously it hadn't seen one before other wise
it would have known they are hardly dangerous."
"It seemed to be thinking over whether or not to attack me, or the bus, as though it had
learnt from this. I was shocked at my own thoughts and prejudices, just because it wasn't
human I believed it wasn't as intelligent but this proved me wrong, this creature wasn't
stupid and it was now finding another way to get me. The creature called out as though it
was preparing to make it's move. When the whole street was lit up flames engulfing the
creature from behind. The creature began to run around fiercly trying to put out the fire
but there was no way for it to be put out in the street."
"The buildings had caught a blaze, windows where shattering up and down the street. Rubbish that lay piled up
at the side of the road was quickly disappearing engulfed by the flames and smoke which was pouring out of
the buildings and ontothe street. The bus had slowly began to melt, no one came off and before I knew it all
that was left was a large puddle of red liquid in the middle of the street. Had no one been driving or had
they perished inside and now where nothing more than a puddle of remains mixed in with those of the bus."
"Looking around me I realized I was surrounded by the flames, theyre was no way out, this time I felt for
sure help would not arrive, no more buses would come bursting through the flames to pick me up and drive me
to safety, no strange men with glowing palms would fly down and away again with me in theyre arms. The idea
of this being a dream once again crossed my mind, before a blinding light in front of me emerged from the
fire, as it got close the light split into two, on either side of the lights two more pairs appeared, heading
straight towards me. Help had arrived, in what form I had no idea, but fear struck me, these lights where not
slowing down and if they kept going would hit me, I ran"
"Towards the flames was the only way, as far to the side as I could go, I was still in line with the lights
furthest to the right, terrified I curled up, placing my head on my knees, tears running down my face. This
nightmare was going to be over, the price I'd have to pay though, was my life. I closed my eyes and covered
my ears, I didnt want to see or hear the lights approach ready to kill me. However my efforts to drown out
any sound where crushed when the sound of tyre's screeching filled my ears. I jumped up onto my feet, and
quickly scanned my surroundings. The buildings had disappeared, the road had been replaced with the M25, the
lights where those of car headlights, driving down the lanes towards me. I dashed to the side of the motorway
just escaping the path of an oncoming lorry."
"I kept thinknig to my self, how had I survived again, I should have died at least three times that night,
but there I was perfectly safe at the side of the M25, and just a few miles from my house."
"Thats where I will have to interupt you Mr. Landon, you are correct, you should have died that night, and
theyre where numerous attempts on your life, all failing, I am yet to find out who aided you that night, but
where I do, they will suffer the sam consequence for escaping, as you shall." Stone faced, gazing at Mr.
Landon a smirk crept across Mr. Browns face.
Mr. Brown lept at Mr. Landon, over the coffee table pushing him into his chair. Grabbing him by the throat,
Mr. Brown attempted to strangle him. Mr. Landon Pulled off a succesful kick to the unprotected crotch of Mr.
Brown. Falling to the ground in pain, Mr. Landon took this time to strike back and protect himself in his own
house. Grabbing a conveniently placed lamp from the small table next to the chair he had almost lost his life
in, he strook down hard, after the previous events that had happened to him Mr. Landon was not taking any
chances and strook Mr. brown on the head a further three times. A blood spattered Mr. Landon stood over the
body motionless. His wife came rushing through the kitchen after hearing the fight going on. Dropping her
book she had been attempting to read in the bedroom, she dashed for the phone, without asking her husband
about the incident, she called for the police. She had feared for the past few days her husband would do
something drastic after telling him she thought he's been out all night drinking, rather than fight9ing for
his life, and he had punched her for it. the bruise was theyre but her tangerine cxomplexion from cheap
beauty products had covered it enough to not cause any suspicions among family and friends.
The minutes leadin up to Mr. Landon's arrest, went slowly, his wife sat cradling her husband in her arms, as
he wept in disgust of his own actions. Rage had filled him the moment he struck Mr. Brown, he tried to
persuade his wife, he hadn't actually done it, something had taken over him and he had no recollection of the
event. He tried to explain how he had wanted to kill his wife and he was only protecting her. She knew what
had happened and that he was trying to hide the truth from her, the thing is she had started to believe his
tale about his mysterious night, after all every time she heard him talk about it, she saw how terrified he
was about losing his life, how confused he was about the events and how all he had wanted to do was get home
and be with her.
She now began to regret ringing for the police, thinking about what to do, would she actually hand over her
husband to be sent down for murder, although it was self defense, the courts could find his mental state
unnerving and lock him up for his own good. Her concentration was lost when a loud knock from the door echoed
through the room followed by.
"Open the door, we know your in there" A deep, rough male voice shouted.
"Just a moment" She shrieked back. Getting to her feet she pulled up her husband looking him the eye and told
him to run.
The backdoor was the only way out, either that or through a window. Mr. Landon dashed into the kitchen almost
slipping on the freshly mopped floor. He burst through the door, without looking to see if he was being
chased, he climbed over the garden fence, and sped off into the woods. Mrs. Landon, got her act together, and
confronted the police, in her calmest voice, as not to arouse suspicion, she explained how they had just
missed him, and he had ran down the street, knowing full well he had infact gone in the opposite direction.
She then gave a fake description of her husband, but only the basic information, giving the excuse she was
still in shock and details of what had happened where blurry, so blurry that giving a description of the man
she loved was hard to do. The Medics pushed past after spotting Mr. Brown lying in a pool of blood, frantic
shouting from both police and medics, filled the house, everything was happening so quickly, Mrs. Landon
could not focus on one thing for long before being asked another question by both groups of people. She
panicked, and slummped onto her knees, leaning against the front door, tears streaming down her face, she
sobbed, saying nothing,she just watched.
Work in Progress, Needs Advice?
Not bad, I liked your realistic dialog. You need to edit it carefully for spelling/grammar. Stupid things like your/you're can be distracting. If you are into it, you might publish this on storymash where better authors can comment and even add to it. You can also make a few bucks.
Reply:It isn't the character's names that are boring - it is the characters themselves. This is showing - not telling. The characterizations are just not there. There is nothing in it that makes me care about these people. They are flat, two dimensional people thrown into a situation as two dimensional paper dolls. Totally lifeless. Uninteresting. It was a chore to read to the end. It was a giant information dump. An overload.
Also, you got off to a very wrong start by using the onomatopoeia as the first sentence. It did nothing to draw me into the story. In fact, it told me immediately I wasn't going to like it - that it was shallow and novice.
It needs a lot of work. Start by stopping. Spend time fleshing out your characters - do in depth character studies and really make them living, breathing people. Your dialogue suffers severely because you just don't know enough about these people and how they respond in situations. It is dull, uninteresting dialogue - no life in it whatsoever.
I highly recommend you read The First Five Pages. You desperately need to find out how to draw people into your work. Read William Faulkner. There was a man who knew how to grab you by your hair and pull you into his work and not let go until he was ready.
Stephen King says you cannot be a good author until you have become a great reader. I sense that you are not a great reader and that you need to read a whole lot more.
When you have honed and trained yourself so that you are skilled, try a rewrite. But for now, it is just not there.
Pax-C
car financing
Spelling is unimportant, I have spell checked once about half way through, and I'm bound to have missed things or used wrong tenses, sorry I will fix these, I just wanted to get the words down.
I understand also the whole, Mr. landon, Mr. brown can get boring, this will be worked on, first names will be brought in to make reading and typing easier.
It's just a bit of fun, nothing serious, something I've worked on for a few months, adding to whenever I get the chance around college.
Also the the words when copied in from notebook, got a put out of alignment sorry about this.
Thanks for any advice in advance!
----------
'Thud'...........'Thud'...........'Thu...
"Every time I walked several metres down the street, a loud thud echoed from behind me and
rang through my ears. I calmly carried on, attempting to not pay attention to the noise.
However the only other noise around was the sound of my steps which when compared to the
noise following me was like listening for a pin drop on a missile test zone. The noise filled
my head like an explosion in a cave, screaming for several moments after entry, bouncing of
the sides of my skull, until finally flooding out to carry on down the street. The noise
was unbearable, it brought me back to my days at University, trying to revise when everyone
else wanted to party. I became an expert at finding quiet places, unlucky for me that skill
was of no use to me in this situation. I quickened my pace so I didn't spend more than a
couple of seconds out of the light from the street lamps, which where the only thing
allowing me to continue, otherwise I would be in complete darkness. Although the noise was
unnerving, it wasn't close yet, which meant I had time to examine my surroundings. Probably
not the best thing to do, maybe I should have been running away, or even confronting it. I
mean, come on I'm thirty two and running away from a noise, it could have been a bunch of
kids playing a trick on me."
"My eyes swayed from left to right in a similar fashion to a pendulum, I was sure I could
have hypnotised someone with them had I met anyone. Walking down the street I found my self
drawn to glancing in through the windows of what I thought where shops, houses and
restaurants, but the only thing that gave me that impression was the fact it said it above
the windows and doors, not from looking through the windows, as I couldn't see anything
through them. The windows where painted black from the inside. After trying to find any gap
in the paint in the second chemist on the street, I decided I'd have a better chance on the
other side of the road. Pushing my self away from the building, I quickly spun around and
shot off for the other buildings. Before I knew it I'd lost my footing and got tangled up in
bin bags, then I was lying face flat against the concrete. Had I been alone I would have
sympathised with my self and laughed it off, But as I said 'had I been alone'. Now don't
forget this noise was still following me, it's not like I'd forgotten and was checking out
the shops for offers, or the restaurants so I could find a cheap meal deal for my upcoming
anniversary."
"Oh wait scrap that from your report, just encase my wife finds out I've said it, you'll
think she won't but she knows everything about me, even stuff I wouldn't dream of telling
her."
A tall man was sat in a small room, he had shoulder length brown scraggy hair, his eyes a
deep shade of brown looked like they were trying to escape from the sockets. His general
look wasn't that appealing. Opposite him was another man, dressed entirely in black from his
Sunglasses, to his suit down to his shoes. He sat holding a small burgundy notebook and
frantically wrote things down, hoping not to miss a word a Dictaphone lay on the table
as well.
"You Know what I bet somehow she knew about this, don't ask me how, it's just a feeling."
"Mr Landon, I couldn't care less if your wife knew the secrets of eternal youth, or the
meaning of life at the moment, I'm sat here listening to some loon, describe a dream he had,
about the time he walked down a never ending road, being followed by a noise which I heard
you described as being louder than thousands of foghorns going off altogether, in your last
interview." Mr. Brown proclaimed.
Mr Landon stood hoping to intimidate Mr. Brown by standing over him, unluckily Mr Landon
was a short stubby man, and rather than scare him, he seemed to strike his funny bone.
"Alan, If I may use your first name"
"Yes you may" Mr Landon spat back at him.
"I don't mean to insult you, however I have a deadline and I'd like you to get to the point
of your tale before we both die of old age. I mean have you actually read all your
interviews you've done. Take for example The one you did for the local paper, it was ten
pages of utter nonsense, you take anyone's comments on your story as an insult, and the
papers turn it round on you and make you look like some escaped mental patient. I suggest
after our meeting you just give people the basic facts, people aren't interested in your
story and won't sit there reading ten pages."
"Hey"
Mr Landon carried on the conversation as though Mr. Browns speech hadn't even occurred.
"What right have you got to come into my house and say it was a dream or even query me."
"I'm going to be frank with you Mr Landon, if it was true I doubt you'd be able to answer
any of my questions, because unfortunately I don't know sign language, and a noise that loud
surely would have deafened you"
At this point Mr. Brown slammed his cup of tea onto the table smashing his saucer, the tea
splashed out and landed on his wrist. Though the tea was fresh and still boiling hot he did
not flinch at all.
"I've had enough of this Alan, your just another one of those people that think they can get
money from making up these stupid stories about alien attacks. You do know there's been
around 800 in the past month, the past month, for christ sake, all have been found out to be
fake, the police, prime minster, general Gundore have all said so. So why should yours be
different, You'll be found out soon enough... I'm sure of it"
"You haven't even heard all of what happened maybe I could change your mind, now sit back
down and allow me to continue. Mr. Brown slunk back into his seat and although he'd rather
not listen, out of courtesy he did.
"Like I said The reason I was looking through the windows of the buildings was because They
where my only way out"
Mr. Brown, looked confused. His eyebrows raised and his mouth opened but before he could
ask a question, Mr Landon had carried on.
"The road looked like it went on for miles. If I carried on walking I'd end up well past my
house and probably up in Scotland by time I got to the end. If there was one."
"The entire street looked as though it had been deserted many years ago. Rubbish lined the
streets waiting for the bin men to come round in the morning, although it did look like they
had never been and rubbish piles just ended up getting bigger and bigger. The street carried
on for what felt like forever, I came across no other street leading off it, no alleyway,
all the houses and shops where packed so close together, the only thing I could do was carry
on going forward or turn round to face the noise."
"Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks, up ahead was a body lying in the light of one
of the street lights. I ran towards it hoping the person was okay, well actually I was
hoping they'd know away off the street. From a distance they looked injured all curled up as
though protecting them self. I had to make sure they was OK. As I charged towards the body the
noise from behind quickened, as though it knew I had began to run and wasn't risking me
getting away. I stopped next to the person and bent down to examine him. I then realised the
noise had stopped and I could finally concentrate on him, rather than worry what had
happened to it."
"The man looked as though he was barely into his mid twenty's, I brushed my hand across the
side of his face to see if it would wake him, it felt like I was touching sandpaper, had he
ever heard of a razor, you know get the hairs you'd miss with an electric shaver as it just
can't get as close. He wouldn't have stubble then. Actually now I think of it maybe it was
just part of some fashion trend, he could have been trying to look older as he did have a
sort of babyish face. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to look older though I'd
prefer looking younger."
"Once again Mr Landon you are going off topic, I don't need to know any fashion tips,
especially from you, you of all people really don't have any right to judge based on looks
and come up with someone's life story just from there appearance, unless you know the man's
reason for stubble I couldn't care less."
"Now as you can see, I seem to have an empty cup, could you get that wife of yours to fetch
another in."
"Pass it here, I'll get you a refill, rather than disturb her."
"NO! Sorry, it's, just I noticed a bit of dirt on the cup, a new one will do fine."
"Suit your self, I'll be back in a moment."
Mr Landon stood up and made his way to the kitchen. Mr. Brown then sat back slouched on the
sofa, staring into the corner of the room, he nodded once and clamped his teeth together,
he repeated this action for the other three corners of the room, and then sat back upright.
Mr Landon then came back into the room carrying a tray with a fresh cup of tea on, oblivious
to the peculiar activity which had just occurred.
"Now I'll carry on, just drink your tea, slow, were getting to the good part."
"Instantly the man lying on the floor huddled up grabbed out at my hand and jerked up
right, his dark brown eyes fixated on my own. It was like looking into a mirror, they where
so clear, I saw myself. I looked confused, my hair was all over the place. As I ran towards
the man my hair must have been blown out of place by the wind. I looked confused and I was,
I mean it's not everyday I helped a strange person lying injured in the street, being
followed by a strange noise on a road that seems to never end."
Mr Landon stopped started into his cup of tea as though hoping it would reveal what happened
next to him.
"I remember thinking, have I gone crazy, was it something I ate or is all this just in my
head, maybe it's a dream. I could have fallen over and knocked my head on something and be
lying in some hospital bed, but I wasn't. "
There was a few moments of silence, still staring at his tea, it was as though Mr Landon had
a brainwave and remembered every little detail that happened, and once again he carried on.
"My arm started to burn where the man was holding me, a strange sensation like something was
coming out from the man's hand and was trying to push me away, even though he was the one
holding me."
"Get Down!" He shouted.
"What do you mean get down." I replied.
"Just get out of the way." The man said with a hint of anger in his voice.
"Hey I'm only helping you don't worry I'm not going to hurt you."
"Yeah well in a minute you'll be getting hurt by something if you don't move."
"Is that a thre-
"At that moment his other arm slammed into my side, I was sent to the floor and grazed my
arm along the concrete. The man looked angry with me, his eyes shot from me and the darkness
several times. I had no idea what his problem was but I thought it best I got away. I
dragged my self along the street,trying not to draw attention to myself, slowly I got up and
with out glancing back I carried on as I would have, if the man hadn't been there."
"I was stopped in my track as a screeching pierced through my head, I dropped back to my
knees, covering my ears, shaking, I tried to gather my strength and turn around. The noise
had stopped, everything was silent, until,"
'Thud'....'Thud'....'Thud'
"The pace of the noise had quickened, I had no idea why, I glanced back at the man to see he
was still there staring down the street. Further in front of him, the street lights began to
go off. The night was far from over and the sun was hours away from rising. Either there was
something wrong with the lights or it was the noise destroying them."
"Now I know the 'noise' wasn't destroying, at the time I didn't know what the noise was, so
I referred to the noise as though it was a living thing. I shouted for the man to run, but
he paid no attention so I made my way for him. Up ahead the lights where going out faster
and faster. It was a race for the man I had helped moments before. I arrived first and
attempted to drag him away he wouldn't budge like he was stuck on the spot. There was one
street light left until the noise would be on us. The ground was shaking and the thud had
been joined by a gentle groaning that felt rather pleasant compared to all the other noises
I'd heard that night."
"From out of the shadows a large figure strode out and stopped in the light in all it's
glory. It was a giant muscular figure with hands and feet at least four times bigger than my
own. It's skin was almost flurecant in the light, it had a thin layer of fur growing on it's
arms, legs and all over it's back. It had a greeny brown tinge to it's skin accompanied by a
pale yellow chest. It's claws where like curved blades able to slice through metal. It's
face was still clouded in darkness as it was taller than the lamppost."
"The man gazed at it in disgust like it was the most vile thing he'd ever seen but, I felt
as though there was something else another reason why he looked at it the way he did. He
raised his hand so it was pointed at the creatures face, and let out an almighty scream."
"Light shot from his hand and struck the monster square in the face pushing it back with
immense strength. It struggled to push it self back and force itself forward. With a flick
of the hand to the left the creature was sent into the front of a building, causing bricks
and glass to fall to the floor around the creature. I gasped at what I just saw, one man
just threw a creature into a building and not flinch at all. It must have been a regular
occurrence to the man as he'd already began to stroll towards the creature by time I got
myself back to normal. He pulled out a small dagger from his right pocket and took it out of
it's protective sleeve. He raised it high above the creature but stopped dead in his tracks,
as a second screech bellowed from above the building."
"I looked up to see what it was, but I already knew what to expect based on what I just saw.
I always tell myself to not think that everything will happen the way I expect it too.
Expect the unexpected. Unfortunately at times like this you don't have time to think about
anything and that's why I ended up getting thrown through a shop window. As I lay there
watching this giant, muscular creature casually walk over to where I lay, I could do
nothing. I couldn't move my arms or legs, Fear had me pinned down, because this was the
first time I had seen it's face. The creature lowered it's head from out of the darkness and
it's grotesque form took shape in front of me. Eyes the size of a clenched fist targeted
on me from behind scraggy hair that flopped in front of the creatures face, and being blown
about by the gust of air shooting out of it's nostrils. Fangs curved out of it's mouth like
tusks, but where as sharp as knifes, except the left one which had broken off half way down.
It's mouth opened and closed as though it was simulating eating me."
"As it craned it's neck through the window, it's breath awakened my senses and I found
myself able to move again, but before I could run, the creatures hand was already around my
waist and pulling me from the debris of the smashed up window. Back in the street, suspended
upside-down five metres from the ground I took my chance to look around for the stranger I'd
helped and in turn had saved my own life, but he was no where to be seen, the only thing I
could make out in the distance was the other creature still knocked out at the side of road.
Was this the end for me, or will my luck change. With in a split second that question was
answered."
"From out of the darkness a flash of red slammed into the side of the creature sending it
sliding down the street. As I stared closer at the flash of red, my eyes widened in surprise
as just down the street was a red double decker bus. The creature was now stumbling back up,
it looked at the bus with complete confusion, obviously it hadn't seen one before other wise
it would have known they are hardly dangerous."
"It seemed to be thinking over whether or not to attack me, or the bus, as though it had
learnt from this. I was shocked at my own thoughts and prejudices, just because it wasn't
human I believed it wasn't as intelligent but this proved me wrong, this creature wasn't
stupid and it was now finding another way to get me. The creature called out as though it
was preparing to make it's move. When the whole street was lit up flames engulfing the
creature from behind. The creature began to run around fiercly trying to put out the fire
but there was no way for it to be put out in the street."
"The buildings had caught a blaze, windows where shattering up and down the street. Rubbish that lay piled up
at the side of the road was quickly disappearing engulfed by the flames and smoke which was pouring out of
the buildings and ontothe street. The bus had slowly began to melt, no one came off and before I knew it all
that was left was a large puddle of red liquid in the middle of the street. Had no one been driving or had
they perished inside and now where nothing more than a puddle of remains mixed in with those of the bus."
"Looking around me I realized I was surrounded by the flames, theyre was no way out, this time I felt for
sure help would not arrive, no more buses would come bursting through the flames to pick me up and drive me
to safety, no strange men with glowing palms would fly down and away again with me in theyre arms. The idea
of this being a dream once again crossed my mind, before a blinding light in front of me emerged from the
fire, as it got close the light split into two, on either side of the lights two more pairs appeared, heading
straight towards me. Help had arrived, in what form I had no idea, but fear struck me, these lights where not
slowing down and if they kept going would hit me, I ran"
"Towards the flames was the only way, as far to the side as I could go, I was still in line with the lights
furthest to the right, terrified I curled up, placing my head on my knees, tears running down my face. This
nightmare was going to be over, the price I'd have to pay though, was my life. I closed my eyes and covered
my ears, I didnt want to see or hear the lights approach ready to kill me. However my efforts to drown out
any sound where crushed when the sound of tyre's screeching filled my ears. I jumped up onto my feet, and
quickly scanned my surroundings. The buildings had disappeared, the road had been replaced with the M25, the
lights where those of car headlights, driving down the lanes towards me. I dashed to the side of the motorway
just escaping the path of an oncoming lorry."
"I kept thinknig to my self, how had I survived again, I should have died at least three times that night,
but there I was perfectly safe at the side of the M25, and just a few miles from my house."
"Thats where I will have to interupt you Mr. Landon, you are correct, you should have died that night, and
theyre where numerous attempts on your life, all failing, I am yet to find out who aided you that night, but
where I do, they will suffer the sam consequence for escaping, as you shall." Stone faced, gazing at Mr.
Landon a smirk crept across Mr. Browns face.
Mr. Brown lept at Mr. Landon, over the coffee table pushing him into his chair. Grabbing him by the throat,
Mr. Brown attempted to strangle him. Mr. Landon Pulled off a succesful kick to the unprotected crotch of Mr.
Brown. Falling to the ground in pain, Mr. Landon took this time to strike back and protect himself in his own
house. Grabbing a conveniently placed lamp from the small table next to the chair he had almost lost his life
in, he strook down hard, after the previous events that had happened to him Mr. Landon was not taking any
chances and strook Mr. brown on the head a further three times. A blood spattered Mr. Landon stood over the
body motionless. His wife came rushing through the kitchen after hearing the fight going on. Dropping her
book she had been attempting to read in the bedroom, she dashed for the phone, without asking her husband
about the incident, she called for the police. She had feared for the past few days her husband would do
something drastic after telling him she thought he's been out all night drinking, rather than fight9ing for
his life, and he had punched her for it. the bruise was theyre but her tangerine cxomplexion from cheap
beauty products had covered it enough to not cause any suspicions among family and friends.
The minutes leadin up to Mr. Landon's arrest, went slowly, his wife sat cradling her husband in her arms, as
he wept in disgust of his own actions. Rage had filled him the moment he struck Mr. Brown, he tried to
persuade his wife, he hadn't actually done it, something had taken over him and he had no recollection of the
event. He tried to explain how he had wanted to kill his wife and he was only protecting her. She knew what
had happened and that he was trying to hide the truth from her, the thing is she had started to believe his
tale about his mysterious night, after all every time she heard him talk about it, she saw how terrified he
was about losing his life, how confused he was about the events and how all he had wanted to do was get home
and be with her.
She now began to regret ringing for the police, thinking about what to do, would she actually hand over her
husband to be sent down for murder, although it was self defense, the courts could find his mental state
unnerving and lock him up for his own good. Her concentration was lost when a loud knock from the door echoed
through the room followed by.
"Open the door, we know your in there" A deep, rough male voice shouted.
"Just a moment" She shrieked back. Getting to her feet she pulled up her husband looking him the eye and told
him to run.
The backdoor was the only way out, either that or through a window. Mr. Landon dashed into the kitchen almost
slipping on the freshly mopped floor. He burst through the door, without looking to see if he was being
chased, he climbed over the garden fence, and sped off into the woods. Mrs. Landon, got her act together, and
confronted the police, in her calmest voice, as not to arouse suspicion, she explained how they had just
missed him, and he had ran down the street, knowing full well he had infact gone in the opposite direction.
She then gave a fake description of her husband, but only the basic information, giving the excuse she was
still in shock and details of what had happened where blurry, so blurry that giving a description of the man
she loved was hard to do. The Medics pushed past after spotting Mr. Brown lying in a pool of blood, frantic
shouting from both police and medics, filled the house, everything was happening so quickly, Mrs. Landon
could not focus on one thing for long before being asked another question by both groups of people. She
panicked, and slummped onto her knees, leaning against the front door, tears streaming down her face, she
sobbed, saying nothing,she just watched.
Work in Progress, Needs Advice?
Not bad, I liked your realistic dialog. You need to edit it carefully for spelling/grammar. Stupid things like your/you're can be distracting. If you are into it, you might publish this on storymash where better authors can comment and even add to it. You can also make a few bucks.
Reply:It isn't the character's names that are boring - it is the characters themselves. This is showing - not telling. The characterizations are just not there. There is nothing in it that makes me care about these people. They are flat, two dimensional people thrown into a situation as two dimensional paper dolls. Totally lifeless. Uninteresting. It was a chore to read to the end. It was a giant information dump. An overload.
Also, you got off to a very wrong start by using the onomatopoeia as the first sentence. It did nothing to draw me into the story. In fact, it told me immediately I wasn't going to like it - that it was shallow and novice.
It needs a lot of work. Start by stopping. Spend time fleshing out your characters - do in depth character studies and really make them living, breathing people. Your dialogue suffers severely because you just don't know enough about these people and how they respond in situations. It is dull, uninteresting dialogue - no life in it whatsoever.
I highly recommend you read The First Five Pages. You desperately need to find out how to draw people into your work. Read William Faulkner. There was a man who knew how to grab you by your hair and pull you into his work and not let go until he was ready.
Stephen King says you cannot be a good author until you have become a great reader. I sense that you are not a great reader and that you need to read a whole lot more.
When you have honed and trained yourself so that you are skilled, try a rewrite. But for now, it is just not there.
Pax-C
car financing
Childrens book i wrote, if you have some time let me know what you think?
It was the first day of kindergarten.
Jacob looked so grown up in his red shirt and blue jeans. He couldn’t help but look down at his brand new gym shoes as he walked back and forth. He was so excited but a little scared at the same time.
He looked at his mom with a worried face.
“You will make lots of friends,” his mother told him.
The word friend made Jacob smile so big. His eyes lit up with a spark that warmed the room. Jacob asked with so much excitement he couldn’t stand still,” Mommy, can Checkers come with?”
She reached out her arms and said,” come here my little man.” She noticed how long his legs had gotten. She remembered when he was a baby and wasn’t much bigger than the bear that he loved so much. She picked up her son and placed him on her lap. Jacob, not fitting the way he used to, tried to find a comfortable position.
She hugged Jacob while memories filled her head.
Checkers was Jacob’s teddy bear. He arrived as a gift the same day Jacob was born.
His name was Checkers because of the blue and white checkered bow around his neck.
Jacob brought Checkers everywhere his mother would allow.
Mommy can I take Checkers to the Grocery store?
Yes Jacob you may.
Mommy can I take Checkers to the park?
Yes Jacob you may.
Mommy can I take Checkers to Grandmas house?
Yes my little man, you may
They would get tucked in together.
Can checkers get a glass of water before bed? He is thirsty.
Yes YOU may.
Can we leave the light on?
Checkers is afraid of the dark.
Yes you may
At night time Checkers was a soldier standing watch over his sleepy general.
If Jacob was sick Checkers never left his side.
Jacob always returned the favor.
They did everything together. They were
Heroes
They were Pirates
They were astronauts
sometimes they played Jacob’s least favorite game of hide and go seek. Checkers did not want to be found. That game would go on for hours. Jacob would never get his turn to hide.
Checkers even went some places where he should not have been.
(picture of him in the bath tub)
And some places Jacob really didn’t want him to go…(picture of him in the dryer)
Jacob’s favorite thing to do was eating cookies together.
“Are you going to eat that?”
Jacob would say to Checkers,
you are my best friend. I can tell you all my secrets.
“Mommy were you listening?”
“Can Checkers come with me to school?”
She took a deep breath, looked him straight in the eyes and said,
“no Jacob, not this time.”
Jacob replied, “But why?” His lower lip started to shake and tears started running down his cheeks. ” He will be scared without me!”
She replied,
“YOU shouldn’t be afraid.” You are going to have a great and exciting day learning so many new things. Checkers might get lost If he comes with you. Checkers can stay with me today and keep me company. Jacob hugged his mom and whispered, Thanks mom!”
Jacob wiped his tears, took a deep breath and said, in his most serious voice,” I have to tell Checkers a secret.” He jumped off his mother’s lap, held him and whispered in his ear, “You have to stay. Don’t be scared.”
then set him gently in the chair, facing the window. “Checkers, wait for me and keep mommy company while I am gone.” Jacob stated firmly. He took his mother’s hand and together they walked to the bus stop.
Jacob jumped up and down and said, “Look mom, the bus is coming!” She bent down and hugged him tightly until the bus stopped in front of them and the door swung open. “Ok time to go now. Everything will be just fine. You'll see.” his mother said.
His mother watched as his little legs climbed each step. She waved goodbye as the bus pulled away.
She came back into the empty house and saw the bear just sitting in the window waiting. She
Whispered, “He will be home soon, don’t be sad.”
When the day was over, Jacob was so happy from all the new things he saw and did. He ran in the door and yelled “I had a good day Mommy!” He started telling her all about his day. He was talking so fast she could hardly keep up with what he was trying to say. She heard key words like
fun, bus, letters, nice, teacher, two new friends.
Then he stopped, looked across the room and saw
Checkers in the same place he had left him in the morning.
He ran past his mother straight to Checkers, picked him up out of the chair, gave him the longest hug…
the biggest hug he has ever given checkers.
As memories went through Jacob's head, he thought of cookie-time with Checkers and how they would sit together at the table and share their cookies. Jacob asked "Mommy MAY I have a cookie?" Very good Jacob, said his Mother, you remembered to say "MAY I." You are growing up so fast.
As Jacob finished his cookie, he thought for a moment. “MAY Checkers have a cookie too?” His mother smiled and said, “Yes my little man, he may.”
She added, “Checkers thought about you all day long. He missed you so much.”
Jacob ran and gave his mother a big hug and said, “I missed YOU too mommy.”
Jacob ran to his bedroom saying,
“I have so much to tell you! It’s a good thing you stayed home. Hide and go seek would have taken forever!”
(picture of door shutting behind him)
Childrens book i wrote, if you have some time let me know what you think?
Honestly, I love it. It brings back so many feelings, and makes me feel emotionally connected to the story. Although, it may be too long as small kids (which seems to be you're audience) generally don't want to be read to for 15 minutes straight. Shorten some parts, but I love it.
Reply:It's a very cute idea. It was a little long for a story book, but you could make it work. Very nice. Good job. Keep working on it!
Reply:that was good
Reply:aw, cute =]]
Reply:It's a real good story and could help young kids that actually go through this as there sure are many, many that are attached to a certain toy, would be a great book for mums to read before they start nursery. I don't get the end bit though about hide and seek? I think it may have to be simplified a bit if it's for very young kids as I actually connected with the feelings and emotions in it as an adult which I don't think most of the very young would particularly grasp. It reminds me of my ted which I've had for 25 years (I actually lost him once at the fruit %26amp; veg shop!) It's a great story and you have a lot of talent - well done! =)
Reply:its a good childrens book for ages 3-7
find
Jacob looked so grown up in his red shirt and blue jeans. He couldn’t help but look down at his brand new gym shoes as he walked back and forth. He was so excited but a little scared at the same time.
He looked at his mom with a worried face.
“You will make lots of friends,” his mother told him.
The word friend made Jacob smile so big. His eyes lit up with a spark that warmed the room. Jacob asked with so much excitement he couldn’t stand still,” Mommy, can Checkers come with?”
She reached out her arms and said,” come here my little man.” She noticed how long his legs had gotten. She remembered when he was a baby and wasn’t much bigger than the bear that he loved so much. She picked up her son and placed him on her lap. Jacob, not fitting the way he used to, tried to find a comfortable position.
She hugged Jacob while memories filled her head.
Checkers was Jacob’s teddy bear. He arrived as a gift the same day Jacob was born.
His name was Checkers because of the blue and white checkered bow around his neck.
Jacob brought Checkers everywhere his mother would allow.
Mommy can I take Checkers to the Grocery store?
Yes Jacob you may.
Mommy can I take Checkers to the park?
Yes Jacob you may.
Mommy can I take Checkers to Grandmas house?
Yes my little man, you may
They would get tucked in together.
Can checkers get a glass of water before bed? He is thirsty.
Yes YOU may.
Can we leave the light on?
Checkers is afraid of the dark.
Yes you may
At night time Checkers was a soldier standing watch over his sleepy general.
If Jacob was sick Checkers never left his side.
Jacob always returned the favor.
They did everything together. They were
Heroes
They were Pirates
They were astronauts
sometimes they played Jacob’s least favorite game of hide and go seek. Checkers did not want to be found. That game would go on for hours. Jacob would never get his turn to hide.
Checkers even went some places where he should not have been.
(picture of him in the bath tub)
And some places Jacob really didn’t want him to go…(picture of him in the dryer)
Jacob’s favorite thing to do was eating cookies together.
“Are you going to eat that?”
Jacob would say to Checkers,
you are my best friend. I can tell you all my secrets.
“Mommy were you listening?”
“Can Checkers come with me to school?”
She took a deep breath, looked him straight in the eyes and said,
“no Jacob, not this time.”
Jacob replied, “But why?” His lower lip started to shake and tears started running down his cheeks. ” He will be scared without me!”
She replied,
“YOU shouldn’t be afraid.” You are going to have a great and exciting day learning so many new things. Checkers might get lost If he comes with you. Checkers can stay with me today and keep me company. Jacob hugged his mom and whispered, Thanks mom!”
Jacob wiped his tears, took a deep breath and said, in his most serious voice,” I have to tell Checkers a secret.” He jumped off his mother’s lap, held him and whispered in his ear, “You have to stay. Don’t be scared.”
then set him gently in the chair, facing the window. “Checkers, wait for me and keep mommy company while I am gone.” Jacob stated firmly. He took his mother’s hand and together they walked to the bus stop.
Jacob jumped up and down and said, “Look mom, the bus is coming!” She bent down and hugged him tightly until the bus stopped in front of them and the door swung open. “Ok time to go now. Everything will be just fine. You'll see.” his mother said.
His mother watched as his little legs climbed each step. She waved goodbye as the bus pulled away.
She came back into the empty house and saw the bear just sitting in the window waiting. She
Whispered, “He will be home soon, don’t be sad.”
When the day was over, Jacob was so happy from all the new things he saw and did. He ran in the door and yelled “I had a good day Mommy!” He started telling her all about his day. He was talking so fast she could hardly keep up with what he was trying to say. She heard key words like
fun, bus, letters, nice, teacher, two new friends.
Then he stopped, looked across the room and saw
Checkers in the same place he had left him in the morning.
He ran past his mother straight to Checkers, picked him up out of the chair, gave him the longest hug…
the biggest hug he has ever given checkers.
As memories went through Jacob's head, he thought of cookie-time with Checkers and how they would sit together at the table and share their cookies. Jacob asked "Mommy MAY I have a cookie?" Very good Jacob, said his Mother, you remembered to say "MAY I." You are growing up so fast.
As Jacob finished his cookie, he thought for a moment. “MAY Checkers have a cookie too?” His mother smiled and said, “Yes my little man, he may.”
She added, “Checkers thought about you all day long. He missed you so much.”
Jacob ran and gave his mother a big hug and said, “I missed YOU too mommy.”
Jacob ran to his bedroom saying,
“I have so much to tell you! It’s a good thing you stayed home. Hide and go seek would have taken forever!”
(picture of door shutting behind him)
Childrens book i wrote, if you have some time let me know what you think?
Honestly, I love it. It brings back so many feelings, and makes me feel emotionally connected to the story. Although, it may be too long as small kids (which seems to be you're audience) generally don't want to be read to for 15 minutes straight. Shorten some parts, but I love it.
Reply:It's a very cute idea. It was a little long for a story book, but you could make it work. Very nice. Good job. Keep working on it!
Reply:that was good
Reply:aw, cute =]]
Reply:It's a real good story and could help young kids that actually go through this as there sure are many, many that are attached to a certain toy, would be a great book for mums to read before they start nursery. I don't get the end bit though about hide and seek? I think it may have to be simplified a bit if it's for very young kids as I actually connected with the feelings and emotions in it as an adult which I don't think most of the very young would particularly grasp. It reminds me of my ted which I've had for 25 years (I actually lost him once at the fruit %26amp; veg shop!) It's a great story and you have a lot of talent - well done! =)
Reply:its a good childrens book for ages 3-7
find
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)